Bigger in Texas?

Word Hard recently took a field trip to Dallas, Texas. The saying goes that everything is bigger Texas. This wasn't found to be totally true, but it should be noted that this was by far the largest tub of Country Crock I have ever seen.

On Fantasy Football

This is my third year playing in that ultimate American time waster. That being Fantasy Football. There are many people out there in the universe who like to rag on Fantasy Football players. As a former real football player I had never thought much about Fantasy Football. I didn't really see the appeal of it, nor did I find it entertaining when other always talked their fantasy teams and how this guy was sucking and killing his fantasy team. Anyways now that I am in the extreme excitement of the office working world I caved in and have increased my team load from two last year to three this year. I have found several truths about Fantasy Football.

1. My team always has the best team name in the league. As noted before, this is one of my great skills. Because no one can mess with a team that is 'JackedLikeEdHoculi.'

2. My performance in a league has historically been inversely proportionate to the amount of players in the league who actually played football beyond a high school level. Case in point last year's office league. 12 teams. I was the only one who had played college football. I came in dead last, finishing behind a guy who's team wasn't updated after Week 5 when he quit working here and fell off the face of the earth. This team was so horrible that its name was officially changed after week 8 from JackedLikeEdHoculi to Mega Maid because it had gone from 'suck' to 'blow.' The more former college football players who appeared in a league the less my teams seemed to suck (though they always sucked).


3. Talking about your fantasy football team is lame. I don't care. And I don't want to hear it. And I at my core don't care about talking and bitching about my team. Because the last thing you want to hear about is how JackedLikeEdHoculi scored more points than all but two teams in the league last week, except of course, for the team it was playing.

4. Talking about fantasy football has unfortunately become the universal male language of the fall. This can also be a great savior. Forced to talk to a random guy at a cocktail party, a coworker you don't care to talk to, or that really weird guy you only once met at the league draft you have few topics you could talk about. Like um, politics, or the weather, or work, or stories about wives and kids. Except I don't have a wife or kids and couldn't care any less about yours. Oh what's that? You hate your boring job? We all do, why do you think we are here double fisting the tallest beers possible? Fantasy football is a common ground to start a conversation. Any male who plays (which is most all of us who know something about the sport) can have a conversation that gets us closer to talking about real football. And I love real football. Its awesome and beats the pulp out of talking about this typical Monday rainstorm or listening to the same stories about the nag of a wife and 'oh it was so cute what my kid did last night' and 'I really hate the fans of that college who is rivals with my favorite college team where I didn't even go to school.' That all sucks and I rather attempt to shove this Bic roundstic pen through one ear and out the other than to hear about it. Fantasy football is that abort mission lever you can pull on horridly bad conversation. Punches to the face work too.

27 Reasons Why I Rock

So the good doctor had that great annual day where you wake up and realize you are a year older. And getting older inherently sucks. In lieu of a "Redeeming Qualities" instead I present the following 27 reasons Why I Rock. In no particular order.

1. Best Sweatervest in the Midwest
2. Cardboard Box for coffee table
3. Left Handed
4. The Annual Festivus Letter
5. Kool Aid Sneakers
6. Ruggedly Handsome Beard
7. Professional Sign Hanger
8. Zip Tie Bracelet
9. No Razor November
10. World's Greatest Uncle
11. King of Useless Knowledge
12. Disease Free
13. The Crown Royal Bag of Zip Ties
14. Blocking Tight End
15.
16. Red Chuck Taylors
17. Sexy Self-Haircuts
18. Ringleader for Theme Week at the office
19. Sits outside and reads. Year's tally currently at 29 books.
20. Look dead sexy in a suit

21. Mad Whistling Skills
22. Dr. Bone's Private Library for the Procurement of Knowledge, Both Useless and Otherwise
23. D-bag Bingo
24. Dances Like a Fool. And yes, that is a homonym
25. Third Floor Bathroom Radio
26. Spatial Engineering
27. This blog

Observations of Awesomeness: NASCAR Fan with Deer's Head

There are many brave, intrepid souls which grace society with things that can't but help to be described as awesome. Or are so awesomely bad that they defy all logic. Observations in Awesomeness is our attempt to better understand and examine all that is mind-blowing in this world.

Observations in Awesomeness: NASCAR Fan with Deer's Head

A firsthand run-in from the weekend. The scene: Kansas Speedway Qualifying Day, Friday, September 26th. This nice gentlemen was attempting to enter the racetrack through the infield gates. Carrying with him a deer's head. The flabbergasted Security folks would not allow him enter with it. He disputed (correctly) that a stuffed carcass of a dead animal was not on the list of banned items. I don't really think they had a true valid reason to not allow him to bring in the animal other than 'this makes no sense' or 'those antlers might put pose an inherent threat to the eyeballs of the intoxicated track patrons.'

However, it did exceed the size regulations of a 6"x6"x12" soft-sided cooler which you are allowed to bring in (and which conveniently holds 12 beers). Had the deer's head been hollowed out and served as a receptacle for said 12 beers this would have made this man the ingenius and awesome person at the track all weekend. As it was, the exact intention for bringing in the animal is unknown. I'd like to think that perhaps that nice buck was once a beloved family pet who was a huge NASCAR fan and his dying wish before meeting his unfortunate fate at the front grill hands of a Chevrolet was to finally witness a race in person. Of all the awesomeness witnessed in a weekend at the track, this by far was the best.

Recommended Reading: David Foster Wallace

It was incredibly sad news to hear of the suicide of author David Foster Wallace this past weekend. Having just finished reading "Consider the Lobster" just two weeks prior it was rather a jolt. The man was an astute observer of the world and had a brilliance and sense of humor which made him a joy to read. That is, at the times when I could understand what the hell he was talking about. And this is coming from a man who upon picking up "Infinite Jest" off the library immediately replaced it back out of sheer terror at the magnitude of its size. Which from what I understand is nothing compared to its complexity.

There were a couple essays out of "Consider the Lobster" that are highly recommended. Anyone who has ever enjoyed porn or hates everything it stands for should read his essay "Big Red Son." His personal account of watching the events of 9/11 unfold at a neighbor's house in "The View From Mrs. Thompson's" is an example of his amazing ability to observe the world in a different manner from the rest of the normal world and so eloquently communicate it. The ability that I was so struck by. But probably the best piece out it was "Up Simba" (now reworked into the book "McCain's Promise") his chronicle of his time on the 2000 John McCain campaign should be read by anyone who feverently supports either of this year's presidential campaigns. Or who is fed up with political maneuvering and press coverage and the general political process.

But by far and away the most profound thing I've read this whole year (current year tally in books: 28; Second most profound (and profane) thing was this Deadspin post) was his
Kenyon commencement speech from 2005. As a liberal arts college graduate who is admittedly lost I take great solace from those words. It has inspired me in many ways to do things like start this blog. An attempt which "enables my tendency to over-intellectualize stuff, to get lost in abstract argument inside my head, instead of simply paying attention to what is going on right in front of me, paying attention to what is going on inside me." It helps me come to grips with my current reality and how "to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out."

Sometimes when I down I must kick myself in the ass to "choose to force myself to consider the likelihood that everyone else in the supermarket's checkout line is just as bored and frustrated as I am, and that some of these people probably have harder, more tedious and painful lives than I do."

" It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:

"This is water."

"This is water." "

David Foster Wallace: a brilliant writer who will be missed. A recommended read

On Getting Older and Being Lost

It is your birthday month. You will be one of those ages where the number itself is essentially irrelevant. Old enough to have been around the block and had the opportunity to have done some things, yet young enough that still considered young in the working world. Birthdays (and for that matter New Year's) are always great time for reflection on the past year and how far one has gone and all the things they have done. It can be a pleasing, reassuring and celebratory time. And it also puts in plainview the truth of your current reality. Which when faced with the stark truth is inherently depressing to those lost along the road of life. And people do strange things to cope with these aging crisis like shave off a trademark beard in an attempt to revert to those youthful baby-faced looks of days gone by. Or because they simply forgot what they looked like without it and realize that who you are is not who you were. For the better.

Lost. Great TV show, not a great thing to be. When you take a look in the mirror and be honest with yourself you see that you trudge everyday to an unnecessary job you don't particularly like where you are undercompensated, underchallenged, underwhelmed, underperform and are usually incredibly unmotivated. You want to move onto the next big challenge, a move you know you need to make. Yet you can't get up the motivation to even begin to look. And why? Because you don't even know where to begin. Because you lack the dreams and ideals and don't have any answer to that second grade question of "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

You are utterly lost. But not hopelessly lost. Because you hold out hope that some light bulb might pop on above your head or somehow your fortune will turn or you might stumble into something, or better yet have it pop up and smack you square in the face. But there is that dilemna of what do you with yourself while you sit there lost and not doing anything about it. You can sit around and stew about it and let the stark blankness of your reality overwhelm you. Or you can nerd out and read a book outside or go eat a bagel or attempt to dominate some bar trivia night or teach your niece some unspeakable thing that a 3 year old should not know or put on a ridiculous thrift store suit and go hit the town and indulge in the comedy of your own ridiculousness.

Because as another year begins to fade away you can dwell on how lost you are and your total lack of resolve in doing anything about it. Or you can get off your ass and enjoy something, anything that will you temporarily allow to shut off the noggin to the harshness for awhile and relish the awesomeness of the moment and know that what you have and can have is greater than you know. And know that someday you will find your way.

And until then you keep on keepin on.

NFL Douchebag Bingo

Hot on the heels of the Douchebag Bingo, this primer has been put together to help prepare you for today's opening of the NFL season.

Douchebag Bingo

Our world is under attack from a menancing plague. Douchebags are taking over our society. You see them everywhere, the club, the beach, the mall. You even see them at the gas station and the grocery store and the DMV. They are inescapable.

The best way to deal with this menace? By mocking of course. As best done by the genius behind www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com. Taking this inspiration I have created the ultimate in people watching games.

DOUCHEBAG BINGO


There are many ways to play:
1. Simple people watching way. Spot a 'bag, cross him off your card. You may only use one bag for one trait. See a dude with frosted tips and a popped collar? Only counts for one or the other. Strategy is key here.

2. Photo Hunt! Find a bag and convince him to have his picture taken with you. This is the ultimate bachelorette party game as this is easiest completed by hot chicks. Again one bag per trait. Key here is to not let the dbag in on exactly why you want a picture of him showing his abs. Dbags do not possess the trait of self-awareness. If they did, they wouldn't allow themselves to devolve into such baggery.

It is easy and fun for the whole family.
Happy Bag Hunting!

Observations in Awesomeness: The Swayze Centaur Tattoo

There are many brave, intrepid souls which grace society with things that can't but help to be described as awesome. Or are so awesomely bad that they defy all logic. Observations in Awesomeness is our attempt to better understand and examine all that is mind-blowing in this world.

Observations in Awesomeness: The Swayze Centaur Tattoo

This is perhaps the greatest tattoo in the history of tattoos. The imagination and inspiration behind the creation of this masterpiece is something to behold. Let's take a closer look at some of the subtle context within.

1. Swayze is depicted as a centaur, which has all four hooves firmly planted on the ground. Much like the protocol of statues of fallen generals this is to signify that Swayze is still alive and kicking cancer be damned.

2. Swayze is depicted in his Chippendale's outfit from the classic Saturday Night Live skit co-starring Chris Farley. This is a bold call, brazenly ignoring Road House Swayze, Point Break Swayze, Outsiders Swayze and Red Dawn Swayze. Big points for avoiding Ghost Swayze and Dirty Dancing Swayze, neither of which would have been conducive to an imposing centaur.

3. Purple storm clouds lurk in the background. Yet there are also two rainbows in the sky. Since rainbows occur after storms pass through, we can see that our stoic centaur (minus some windblown hair) has stood strong upon the rocky black landscape through the horrid onslaught of the storm.

All told this is probably the most unusual and original tattoo I think I have ever seen. Which begged the question, what would it take to top this in the areas of artwork, originality, celebrity and creativity.

This is the most ridiculous response I could come up with:
New Kids on the Block (the originals, not the reunion tour version) are all riding unicorns. Bareback. Shirtless under red velvet vests with white leather fringe like out of some horrid spaghetti western get-up. And these aren't just any unicorns. They are pink, steroid-enhanced unicorns who look like they've been injected with the lifetime supply stash of Barry Bonds. And they are breathing fire and their hooves are shooting lightning bolts of sparks as they gallop across the fields of clovers. All of this of course is fleeing from a bank of blood red storm clouds and a giant tornado throwing houses, debris and transvestite hookers across the countryside.

Too much? Maybe. But its the best my little, warped, twisted imagination could come up with. Ridiculousness

Redeeming Qualities: Mondays

There are certain things in this world which would totally suck if not for a few saving graces. This is an examination of those redeeming qualities which make them just rather suck.

Mondays

1. Having to go back to work sucks. But this means you at least are employed and thus, theoretically, are making money.

2. More attractive women at the grocery store.

3. Dr. Bone wears a tie to work on Mondays. This means it is the best he will look all week.

4. Has a legitimate excuse to suck, unlike any other day of the week, especially Tuesday.

Observations of Awesomeness: Electric Grill in Pool

There are many brave, intrepid souls which grace society with things that can't but help to be described as awesome. Or are so awesomely bad that they defy all logic. Observations in Awesomeness is our attempt to better understand and examine all that is mind-blowing in this world.

Observations in Awesomeness: The Electric Grill in Above-Ground Pool

These creative gentlemen decided to have themselves a party and barbecue in their pool and attempt to even out their farmer tans. As Mitch Hedberg best said it "You know why commercials for above-ground pools only last thirty seconds? Because that is all the more time you can have fun in an above-ground pool." And so they engineered themselves a grill to do enhance their pooling fun. Which is awesome in principle and in their utility to get things to function (such as the floating flip flops supporting the power outlet). This is inherently an awesome idea for a bitchin good time. But upon further investigation there are a few flaws with this plan.

1. The grill is located in the geographic center of the pool. This allows for all parties to have great access to the table. This also causes the power cords to stretch into the pool.

2. The floating power strip. Perilously hovering above the water which can infiltrate and fry the circuits (unless it was a waterproof power strip. Which would be baller to have I suppose). This prevents the pool party goers from making too much for sudden movements which might cause waves, disrupting the floating of the powerstrip and potentially threatening the life source for grilling. Or, pending its voltage, the life source of anyone in the pool itself.

3. The power strip's presence limits movement around its region of the pool. One must either step over, or swim under it in order to avoid the aforementioned incident in #2. Both are not best to be required to do when drinking is involved. This limits the amount of people who can safely attend this party without being disruptive. Which is probably why there were only at most four people there. Also, the door to the pool area can't be left open for future party goers to walk right on through as the doorstop is taped to the electrical cord at the pool's edge.

4. Those sure look like fancy beers there. This is allowed if A) These people are not American or B) They are hipsters drinking import beer during said pool party to be ironic. If you are going to go out and BBQ within your above ground pool you are acknowledging that you aren't exactly participating in one of the classiest hobbies in American society. So why drink fancy beer? If you are going to embrace your inner White-trash self, go all out. And why bottles? Thats a brick sidewalk and someone's shoes are floating in the pool serving an important safety purpose. One broken bottle on the ground and some shoeless drunk is going to the hospital with severe cuts to the feet.

And that's why we can't have nice things.

Redeeming Qualities: LA

There are certain things in this world which would totally suck if not for a few saving graces. This is an examination of those redeeming qualities which make them just rather suck.

LOS ANGELES, CA

1. Warm sun, no humidity.

2. In-N-Out Burger

3. Hot chicks in tank tops and tight jeans or short-shorts.

Rejected Names for This Blog

The most difficult decision to be made when creating this great canvas for the masterpiece that it shall become was, of course, giving it the proper nomenclature. One of my great useless talents is coming with a treasure-trove of easily rejected names for hypothetical bands (Dead Salmon), fantasy football (JackedLikeEdHoculi) or trivia teams.

You give me a topic, I give you a witty name. Arrested Development fans on a softball team? Loose Seals. Oklahoma State grads on a bar crawl? Get Your Eddie Sutton On. BAM! That simple. Where's my royalties?

But naming this wasn't so simple. It had to be unique, witty, lasting, memorable and had to embody the true nature, spirit and purpose of the blog itself. That being pointless. But I digest. . .

Disillusions of Grandeur - Already taken by a blog about styling nails. Evidently Nail Ninjas are very self-aware. And besides this blog is going to be grand. Believe it.

Bo Knows - An obvious rip-off of the classic Bo Jackson marketing campaign. Rather smug considering my unofficial King of Useless Knowledge crown.

Park Bench Pontifications - named after where I spend the majority of my reading and neighborhood people watching time. While often an origin for ideas and philosophies, not the location where they would be codified and published for posterity. Also socially unacceptable place to not wear pants.

Apropos of Nothing - taken by a blog last updated in 2003. Have enough problems focusing and getting motivated as it is. Though much here is apropos of nothing, don't need a defeatist title to go along with it.

Binge Thinking - the original working name for the blog and the name of the most brilliant bar stool philosophers club ever. EVER! The name of a book based upon the phenomenon of young people way over thinking things in a way to depressing way. Also a blog full of haiku. I don't write haiku, because with poetry I was told there was to be no math.

But in the end, this is a Word Hard world we are living in.

Welcome to the Club

Hello and welcome fine denizens of the neighborhood to this, the Word Hard World. A new fantastic universe of life philosophies, observations, theories, and other random musings awaits you. Be prepared for deep thoughts and shallow jokes. And shallow thoughts and deep jokes. And the full spectrum that lies within and beyond.

Word Hard. What does that even mean? Well, ostensibly it means nothing. It was derived from a typo in a work email about leaving typos in our work and was pointed out in an attempted scathing rebuttal by a disgruntled co-worker. As one who often uses (/over-uses) the word 'word' within casual conversation, particularly as a means to say goodbye, I found 'Word Hard' to be way funnier than 'Work Hard' could ever be serious. And thus a moniker was born.

While traversing this road of life I often find myself devoid of motivation, full of useless knowledge and facts and philosophize on the obscure and the mundane. Sometimes in a deep, profound way. Sometimes in just a witty out-of-leftfield way. Nevertheless, too often I find myself lacking the opportunity to have said conversations with a peer and instead have them within my own noggin. This blog is my attempt to record said thoughts for posterity, to share with the world and the billions or six of yous whom will read this, and to provide an outlet through which it is hoped to save some of my sanity. There will be brutal honesty within, thus you can see the 'Not wearing pants' tag to this post. For those who wish to think this author is some loser who sits at home in his underwear and blogs I will take the burden of such guesswork out of your hands and inform you when I publish something sans trousers. Working pantsless is quite riveting. I suggest you try it.

So what is 'Word' supposedly contrived to mean as a verb within this context? To 'word' is to exercise to think, to write, to share, to joke, to observe. All done in a manner that is off the beaten path and brings forth enlightenment, education or at the very least, entertainment. It can be serious, but is never to be taken too seriously, as the point is not be right, but explore those pathways we travel to discover what we believe. And to enjoy ourselves along the way.

We all could 'Word Hard' more often in our lives. This is my attempt to do so. Won't you join me neighbor?